When you don’t see the favor of God…

Holly asked me to write a blog about favor and my hands got sweaty immediately. The Lord was already working on me about favor and I was so nervous because I didn’t understand it for myself. I still don’t fully understand it but the Lord has been gracefully changing my perspective through writing. Writing to God is how I process things, so I’m going to let you guys take a peek into my journal and see how the Lord is teaching me about favor.

Lord, what are my fears? I want to face them. I want Your Light to shine on them so I’m not taken off guard any longer. I’m afraid of Jeramy or Arya dying. I’m afraid of not getting enough sleep. I’m afraid of getting sick and not being able to do what I need to do. I’m afraid of others opinions. I’m afraid of disapproval. I’m afraid to offend. I’m afraid of rejection.

But what keeps me stuck?

The word “unworthy” keeps coming to my mind… but I don’t feel like I think I’m unworthy.

You led me to Isaiah 26:12-15.

You alone make me worthy. The fact is I AM unworthy without You. My problem is, I don’t fully see my need for You. I WANT You which I’m thankful for. But my pride keeps me from seeing my need for You. I come to You so I can do things for others and so I can serve Your people, which aren’t bad reasons… but I have trouble coming to You when it’s only for my sake. Is my pride actually rooted in unworthiness? Feeling like You only want me to help others, but not wanting me for me? Is there a deeply rooted fear that You only wants to use me? That He’s not actually interested in me personally? Usually, the struggles I’m dealing with in my relationships with people are just side effects of what’s going on in my relationship with You. I definitely struggle with feeling this way in my earthly relationships. The enemy is using the gift I’ve been given of servanthood as a weapon against me.

I DO NEED YOU and I know it. But I get scared that I’m just using You, You’re just using me, and the same in my relationships! I don’t want to feel like they’re using me or that I’m using them… the fear is that no one truly loves anyone. We’re all just out to get what we need and want from each other. You want others to come to You because you love them but the enemy makes me feel like Your pawn and You only use me to bring others to You. The enemy twists Your love and your purpose for my life into pure chaos!

I listened to a podcast that references Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

It’s true! I’ve had this deceitful heart scripture in my theology for so long. The thought that my heart is deceitful and everyone else’s is as well. No one can be trusted, everyone has ulterior motives, including God. DANG THIS IS DEEP.

That verse was written under the Old Covenant. Before Jesus came. We’re now under the NEW Covenant and the Lord has made us brand new. That old deceitful heart is gone. The new has come. The heart of flesh, not the heart of stone.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Colossians 3:5-17

I am brand new. Including my heart.

Lord BREAK that thought pattern inside of my mind. Lord change my perspective. I want to fully trust You. I want to be able to assume the best of myself and others. You are PERFECT LOVE.

When I’m in You, I can trust myself and my motives. Your motives are pure. I keep feeling You say, “I’m going to show you My heart in Haiti.” Lord, I pray You break my heart and make it look like Yours. You love and seek after the orphans and the widows. The ones who literally have nothing physical to give. That proves You’re not out to use us. You genuinely love us. And I WAS an orphan as well. Let that reality sink in like never before.

Holly asked me to write a blog on favor yesterday and everything from the 13th clicked. I personally don’t understand Your love and favor for me specifically. I have the hard questions in my mind like, “my marriage… I don’t see the favor… where is it? I see you carrying me through it, but favor? I see my friend who just went through an awful divorce. I see that she served you faithfully then that happens? I don’t see the favor. I see kids in Haiti and Honduras, I look at their situations and struggle to see the favor. Where is it?”

I’m not coming from a place of bitterness but I’m genuinely wanting to understand favor. And the first lesson I feel you showing me is this: “FAVOR IS NOT CIRCUMSTANTIAL.”

1 Corinthians 15:32 What do I gain if the dead are not raised?

33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.

34 Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.

People don’t know about God. What good am I doing with my life if I’m not being productive in my call to help the dead raise to life? I need to surround myself with others who are pursuing you. I have control over who I allow to have my ear consistently.

You are not the author of confusion.

I’ve been carrying the “hammer”. I’ve been beating myself up. Carrying around the hammer immobilizes me. It keeps me from being productive. Lord, I recognize it and I’m dropping it right here, right now. When I carry the hammer I can only be self-destructive. The hammer is rooted in pride… thinking I can get myself out of the mess I’ve put myself in… but who can climb out of a pit while holding a huge hammer that requires both hands?

DROPPING the hammer and running to You is the only way out. When I’m holding the hammer for dear life I’m of absolutely NO help to myself or others.

I’m recognizing the enemy… great things happened last week, Haiti is in 2 weeks… the hater of my soul would love nothing more than for me to dig a pit of self-pity and stay there. I chose to listen to the LOVER of my soul… not the hater. You have SO many good things planned for me… I do not have time to be a victim. There are people who don’t know You… I don’t have time to keep playing around with sin and decisions that only hurt me and the people surrounding me. Now, I DO want to feel feelings, I do want to wonder, I’m not shutting down the feelings I have about my circumstances… but I’m coming to You with those things so You can shine Your beautiful light on them. So I can have an accurate perspective and share it. Lord, please teach me about favor. Don’t let the enemy steal my genuine wonder and turn it into doubt. Lord, protect my sense of wonder.

Genesis 50:19 But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? 20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. 21 So do not fear; I will provide for your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

I am not in the place of God.

My only job is love.

You will provide.

You will use this current struggle to bring life to many.

Hebrews 12:14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

Lord, please teach me about Your favor. God, I want to understand Your favor for my own sake and for the sake of those I encounter. I am Your heir. I am Your ambassador…

Lord, how can I represent you well without understanding Your love and favor for me specifically? How can I love others and tell them about this great God who loves them and has favor on their lives when I haven’t even recognized it for myself? I can’t truly advocate for something I’ve never experienced! Experienced is the wrong word… I experience the Lord’s love and favor every day. I need to learn about it so I can become more aware of it. I feel as if it’s one of those things that we experience every day and eventually get used to having… like our cars or homes… but if they were taken away, it would make a huge impact and we would wonder how in the world we ever took it for granted.

We cannot function properly without the knowledge of God’s favor in our lives.

Have you ever had something that you just weren’t willing to give up on? Something that others would have gotten rid of by now but they’re special to you?

In middle school, I had a pair of pants that were COVERED in holes and I loved them so much. The literally had 70-something holes in them (we counted). Teachers told me that I looked like I got ran over by a lawnmower on the way to school. I had absolutely no reason to love those pants so much… people ridiculed me and made comments but I just didn’t care because I loved them so much. I couldn’t have cared about less what others said because they were my “thing”. They were basically useless, they had no way to protect me or warm me.

THAT, my friend, is the favor of God.

Favor: demonstrated delight

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us.

God doesn’t send people to Hell because He’s mad that people have decided not to accept His love and follow Him… Hell is the reality of what life is like completely void of the presence of the Lord. It breaks His heart to see people go to Hell… but He will not force people to have a relationship with Him. Being in or out of someone’s presence is a choice on our part.

Why would God make us so we’re so useless and helpless? Well, we could also ask why we make tiny versions of ourselves… love is the only explanation.

I don’t want to feel insecure and offended… it’s toxic! It all goes back to what You told me the other day… I don’t understand my value, worth, and favor. I thought I did at some point, or You are revealing a new depth that I couldn’t handle before… that sounds right and it lines up with Your character. Lord SHOW me that the gospel is not dead… it is alive and well and the gates of Hell will it prevail. I want to see You like never before. I’ve been praying this and I’m waiting expectantly.

Ephesians 2:3-10

On the 28th the word “with” kept sticking out to me. The definition is: in the company of; having possession of, as an attribute or characteristic; detail or condition; in charge of or keeping of; in support of; in the same direction; as a result of; close association.

I am WITH YOU.

You accompany me.

I am Your very own possession.

I take on Your attributes when in Your presence.

You’re on my side.

You direct me.

All of these things are a result of my close association with You. Or better yet, Your close association is it’s me, even when I feel far from You. You are the One who comes to me and seeks me out and pursues me. When I come to You, it’s me responding to Your initial pursuit. Your closeness with me is NOT a result of my actions… You’re close regardless of my actions… but obedience pulls the curtain back so I can see You more and more clearly and that You’re always there and always will be there…

It doesn’t matter what I’ve done… You’re still with me and You’re still leading me. Your closeness is not based on my actions. My actions may, however, distract me from the reality that YOU ARE HERE.

Thank You for revealing that to me and putting my mind in check.

I feel quiet this morning. Yesterday a little boy around Arya’s age just wanted to be loved on so I did. It was a sweet moment. Lord, I want You to be my focus. Love doesn’t hesitate or hold back. We are showing the love and favor of God to these kids… pursuing them… paying a price to get close to them and not just love from afar…

There are kids and adults who do not know the hope of Jesus and we could ask why God would allow that to happen or why where are 3rd world countries… but really if we’re Christians we should be asking ourselves that question… if there are people without basic needs, orphans & widows who aren’t being taken care of it’s because the church is not doing its job. The church is not doing what God made it to be. It’s not functioning the way God intended it to. You may be thinking, “Yeah! The church needs to get on this!” You’re right! But if you profess Jesus as your Lord and Savior YOU are a part of the church which means if you aren’t doing something, you are part of the problem! But having a willing heart can turn us from being a part of the problem to becoming the solution.

I feel you stirring something in me. It’s NOT CARING, in a good way. Not caring what others think… if I feel You’re leading, I’m going to do it. Also, social media regarding the works and the things I do. The only thing standing between a kid getting an education and a meal every day is people NOT KNOWING about the opportunity and that the money actually goes to the right things. I feel a confidence in me with not caring if I offend someone with my love and desire show favor to people.

Reading stories in Mark.

Your audacious love offended the Pharisees. When I read back at the things You said to them I’m like, “ooooh get ‘em!” But You just love unapologetically. Your end goal wasn’t to offend. Your end goal was and is LOVE.

I’ve let what others might think, get to me for far too long. I want to focus on YOU and pleasing YOU… not others.

You questioned the Pharisees in order to have them examine themselves.

You are a consuming fire. As I get closer to You, through intentionally reading Your Word and worshipping You, You will burn away the parts of me that aren’t genuine, making me more and me like You made me to be.

Once we recognize the favor of God in our lives, He opens our eyes to people who do not have or recognize it and we MUST do something about it.

Thank You for teaching me about favor. Favor doesn’t mean everything is going to be great all the time. But it DOES mean that You will work all things together for Your good, regardless of whether we ever see it or not. When I go through a tough season, when friends go through tough seasons, and when people have tough lives… I can have hope that there is going to be gain from the pain. And it is my duty as a believer to spread that hope to the world. My duty is to love unapologetically.

At what point did being a Christianity become about being a hallway monitor? Judging… Telling people what they should be doing & how to do it… You are the One who changes my perspective continually. I am not You. It isn’t my job to change peoples perspective. My job is loving people & getting people into Your presence, You do the changing of hearts.

The blessings that matter the most aren’t physical. The kids we served in Haiti had nothing. Some didn’t even have clothes. But Christan’s carry the hope of Jesus and their joy was like nothing I’ve ever seen. They have nothing yet they have 100 times more joy than anyone in America who seemingly has everything. Just because they don’t have physical things doesn’t mean You don’t have favor over their lives. Thank you, Lord that Your love & favor & joy AREN’T physical things that can be taken away.