What If
If you’ve been friends with me for over ten years then you had the distinct honor and privilege of encountering the middle school version of Sullivan. She loved sports, parted her hair WAY too far to the right, wore her letterman’s jacket even if it was 90 degrees outside, and she owned v necks with matching cami’s in nearly every color. Middle school Sullivan had so many moments of thriving, but also tied with humiliation. For example, Middle school Sullivan got baptized with her family there to celebrate her, but immediately found herself in the church bathroom naked and afraid because she forgot to bring her change of clothes in the bathroom with her.
I think of so many times in my life that I genuinely felt like I was thriving in my relationship with the Lord, but it’s so often tied with humiliation. The deeper I dove into a relationship with the Lord, the more I had a reverence to pursue a life that was ultimately pleasing to Him. I was also humbled by the heaviest “What If” question that pierces my heart every time it runs across my mind. I wrestle with the question, “What if I’m not fulfilling the Will of God in my life?”
As much as this question derives out of love, there is also an element of fear that has tainted this question. Once I step into salvation that Christ has offered me, I die to my old self, and my life becomes a life of reverence to the love that the Father has poured out over me. 1 John 4:3-4 says, “In fact, this is love for God: to keep His commands. And His commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.” The yearning to fulfill the Will of God for my life comes from a desire to keep His commands and to live a life devoted to Him because of what was finished on the cross for my sake.
This “What If” also stems from fear, not a reverent fear of God, but a fear of control. A fear that manifests itself as striving. A fear of a mediocre life, a fear of boredom, a fear of scarcity. “What if God only has this one task for me and I miss it?” “What if I stand before Him one day and He tells me, “This is what you’re life was supposed to look like, but you missed it?” Maybe this is all a spiritual F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) for me.
But here’s the truth, “What if I’m not fulfilling the Will of God in my life?” was a question stemmed from love, but quickly became distorted into fear and a mistrust in the sovereignty of God. My “What If” was built from reverence, but became twisted into striving and control. If my actions and decisions completely alters whether or not God’s will to come to fruition, then what does that say about the sovereignty of God? I allowed this fear to paralyze me from taking any steps in faith for fear that I might mess up His will, and ultimately I became resentful of my circumstances.
The Will of God isn’t a complicated to-do list for us to endure, scripture tells us that His commandments are not burdensome, and we all know that a to-do list is typically burdensome. God’s Will for our lives isn’t meant for us to strive for an end-goal of preaching across the world, living in a third world country, or opening a shelter for the homeless. So often we picture God’s Will as this purpose or task to achieve in the future. Yes, all of those goals align with His commandments, but we don’t fulfill God’s Will for our lives when we reach that destination. We are fulfilling God’s will for our lives when we crucify our flesh daily, take up our cross, and live everyday in obedience to Him. God’s will is that we would grow in knowing him at a deeper level and trusting Him in the depth. God’s will isn’t a to-do list that we fulfill once we’ve checked all the boxes, but it is a daily relationship with Him.
1st Thessalonians 5:16-17 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.” God’s will for our lives is stated clearly in Scripture, and is meant to prompt us towards repentance. “Am I resentful of my circumstances or giving thanks?” “Is my prayer life distant and inconsistent, or intimate conversations with the Lord?” “Am I truly rejecting evil, or am I flirting with the borderline of sin?” When we hold onto our sin and justify it, we walk with an unrepentant heart, we quench the Spirit in our lives. God is not the author of confusion that has a big secret hidden plan for us that He hides from us. God’s will is a day-by-day reverence. His will is for our hearts and minds to become renewed to a spirit of gratitude, reverence, joy, and to be interconnected with Him.
The more knowledge we gain about God’s character and His heart, the more our hearts will begin to burn and beat for what His heart beats for. He wills for all to hear and respond to the gospel, to serve the least of these, and for His glory to be proclaimed to the ends of the earth. When we walk daily in God’s will for our lives, eventually He will lead us to a place that is more than we could have imagined or comprised by our own striving. We become lead by the Spirit and reject evil. Our pursuit of fulfilling His will becomes greater than compromising our faith for deception and confusion offered by our enemy. His will was not for us to find, but for us to follow daily.
